The Honesty Problem

To be completely honest, I had a problem with honesty… or maybe have is a better term.

I’ve struggled a lot with the concept of honesty. And through my self-reflection I’ve wondered — is anybody completely open with everyone in their lives? If you can’t be honest with yourself, how can you expect to been seen as trustworthy to anyone else? How can you expect to share deep intimacy with anyone?

I used to despise conflict. There was a gaping hole in the foundation of my self-esteem. I wanted everyone around me to see me as happy, fun and confident, instead of the person I actually thought I was inside (underserving, confused and worthless). There was an unconscious need for people to view me this way because deep down my capacity for self-love was depleted from past trauma, experiences, and fear of responsibility. I thought I needed external validation to feel okay. If I had to look within for what was missing, I somehow knew I’d have to stop hiding from all the trauma hidden there. It was easier to let the state of my self-esteem, my mood, and my feelings fall on everyone around me, so that I didn’t have to be responsible.

I lied to everyone…

I lied to my boss about how satisfied I was at work and how well things were going at my job. I lied to my parents about how great life was and how solid my relationships and finances were. I lied to the teachers at my son’s school every time I put on a smile and brought in something for a class event like I was the perfect, not a complete mess, mom. I lied to all the people in my life about all kinds of little things to be agreeable.

I just wanted to be and seem okay on the outside, but the more I hid, lied to keep the peace, and depended on the perspective of other to tell me who I was — the more I lost control of managing everyone’s feelings around and about me. I was fighting for approval, constantly trying to show I was a good person, because I desperately needed that validation that I never received growing up.

I lived this way for the majority of my life. Dead set that no one was ever going to understand me. That if people around me would just be positive and happy I could be… that if I just made the money, lost the weight, had the perfect life the inside would follow suit. If there was no conflict and everyone just appreciated me, the huge hole inside my soul would miraculously fill.

Sometimes the worst relationships can point you towards the light, and be the biggest blessings. I say this because the day I woke up, I found myself in one of the most seemingly toxic relationships of my life.

But without the existence of it, I’m not sure I ever would have.

The story begins like most of my other relationships, I was unhappy with almost every aspect of my life. Instead of feeling, acknowledging, and really trying to heal the pain inside myself — I turned once again to an external force. The particular external band aide came in the form of a person who on the outside seemed kind, understanding and easy to open up to (just like me), But internally turned out to be the biggest mirror of my life.

I opened up more than I ever had, and it seemed to be met with judgment and criticism of who I was at every turn. For once in my life I was with someone JUST like me. Who needed me to validate them, who needed me to make sure their feelings and insecurities were taken care of through me, who invalidated mine at the same time… and when they didn’t get the outcome they wanted they shut down and turned to blame and manipulation to gain control back. They were doing everything I was doing to them, and had done to practically everyone in my past. We were stuck in a pattern of victimhood.

I had no choice but to face myself and open my eyes to how this need for external validation was ultimately a coping mechanism to allow me to avoid my own internal trauma.

The problem with depending externally on people to define you is that when they are validating and loving they can make you feel like you are you an amazing person, but when things become toxic they can make you question who you are and send you into a spiral of self-doubt, pain & insecurity — and keep you stuck there.

From my experience this realization is the first step to honestly understanding our unhealthy patterns, healing them, and reaching a point where we can be truly happy.

I was being told that I was lying, worthless, manipulating, confused, and all kinds of awful stuff. AND I BELIEVED IT ALL — AND THE MORE GUT WRENCHING PART — SOME OF IT WAS SHOWING ME THE TRUTH OF HOW I FELT ABOUT MYSELF DEEP DOWN. I was stuck. I cared so much about what this person thought about me, I started to spiral further into the place of confusion and I shut down. Then something started to happen —

Those moments of pain forced me to face myself. Although I had to finally be honest with myself about all the dishonesty in my life. I was also forced to re-live traumas of abuse patterns and toxicity scattered throughout my life, I began to realize people who have self-love, self-confidence, and the capacity to heal, forgive and accept their selves fully, will never allow themselves to be treated in this manner — and in turn will never want to treat anyone else that way either.

Letting other people have the authority over determining your narrative and who you are is giving away your power.

The moment you let how someone else feels about you dictate how you feel about yourself, you block yourself from following your own instincts, your own intuition, and your own wants and needs. You are essentially undermining your true sense of self, and giving up on finding the TRUTH about who you really are deep down. This is the ultimate form of dishonesty, because it’s the type that we use to hurt ourselves. It prevents us from asking the questions we should be asking ourselves — the ones that will lead us to phenomenal personal growth, abundance, and living a life of real happiness.

I’m not saying walk around not giving a crap about anyone that doesn’t make you feel the way you want. Conflict and conflict resolution are important qualities of growth and forming deep connections. BUT- when someone calls you a jerk, ask yourself — Was I being a jerk? If you weren’t… don’t let that person’s perspective of you BECOME YOUR TRUTH. Don’t be afraid to let them know you don’t agree, and don’t settle for verbal or mental abuse from a partner. Either do the serious work together to resolve the traumas, become emotionally healthy, and fix communication issues (both personally and as a team)… Or walk away.

And I don’t mean walk away because you’re triggered, block someone, and come back a week later — This is not healthy communication and does more damage than good most times.

(I am working on in depth piece on ‘no contact’ that will be out shortly)

I am not claiming to have any answers. I am not professionally trained in any field of psychology. But everything I have learned comes from a place of experience and personal growth. I share my experiences in the hopes that anyone going through this can know that they are not alone. This is the beginning of my journey. Striving to grow stronger, better, let go of blame, and live each day with forgiveness and love. I can only hope that some of you out there will join me in this pursuit of truth and happiness.

This is only the beginning.

Real truth within ourselves is real freedom.

I challenge all of us to live with less fear, and more humility and kindness

X0 Amanda